This is my lil corner of the internet to be filled as I please -- sorry if I offend.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Home.. Where I long to be.
So why am I so sad?

I will try to type a description of tonights events, in the most un-biased way that I can.

Tonight's service at church was a fellowship dinner for Thanksgiving. Food, fellowship, friends and family. After talking with Todd, Michelle, Holly, Heather, Micah, and Ashley, it was decided that we should go to Micah's house for cards and to hang out. They quickly said Mike should come as well. I ride home with my mother, and place a phone call to Mike.
"Micah invited us out to his house tonight."
"OK, want me to come pick you up?"
"Yup! See you in a min. I love you!"

We head out to Micah's house. A few wrong turns, all of which are my fault, we arrive. Mike is slightly off-put, or frustrated, because of said wrong turns. Then the card game begins. If I am going to go hang out with my friends a card game always results. Wether it be Rook, Mau, Spades or Nurch (Nurts for my Northern friends) a card game will occur. Mike, unfortunately, hates cards. No manner of bribery will induce him to play. He sits on the couch, silent, and flips through the channels. I am torn. I love cards, it's one of the main things I miss. When I CAN play, I like to take the oppertunity. So I flitter back and forth for a bit.. but he's silent, and immovable so I focus soley on the card game. I feel guilty because I want to be with him AND I want to play cards. He sits on the couch by himself (everyone else IS playing cards) with no signal that he even realizes there are others in the room. We have to leave early because Mike needs to be in the bed, he does work tomorrow. So I tell everyone we'll leave at 9:30... though we really didn't have to leave til 10:30. I win the game (by quite a wide margin, if I do say so...) and we head out the door, Mike still not saying a word. He doesn't talk to me or to the others.
Is it silly that I was afraid to sit close to him in the truck? Perhaps the conversation with my parents earlier did not help. I wear the fake engagement ring because I want a real one. But, I won't allow him to buy me one til I'm through college. Do my parents not trust me? Do they not understand? I've gone farther than either of them ever did.. do they really think I won't finish? They claim they want me to live life and not miss out. If I find someone I want to date I should be able to. Blah blah blah, etc etc. I don't feel that I am missing out. Don't get me wrong... 5 years is a long time. And a lot can happen.. But I love Mike... I've discovered someone that I can be with constantly who doesn't annoy me. He's fun to be with, even when he is slightly grumpy. And he feels the same about me. He doesnt drink, smoke, or curse (at least not too much ^_^;;). He has good family values. He may talk bad about em because there are so many kids, but he really loves his family. He has a very good character and he is a Christian. I've dated more guys than my mom ever did. She only dated my dad. I can honestly say I've looked. There are very few decent guys left out there. I don't want to lose this one.. he's too special.

Well, he did finally put his arm around me.. I was feeling so insecure the whole truck ride.. thinkin about my parents conversation, feeling that he was pissed off and angry with me. That he didn't like my friends, that he doesnt like how I act. If he doesnt like my friends or how I act, then am I wrong, are my parents right? Most of the time Mike likes my friends.. or so I thought.. then the ideas kept rolling. Oh crap, he doesn't like my friends, or me, he's just biding his time. I was huddled in a ball in the middle of his truck; I had my knees tucked to my chest and my head resting on my knees.. I was fixing to cry and I think he sensed it. He put his arm around me. What is it about one simple touch that can instantly transfer calmness throughout my body? I swear, it was as if calmness emanated from his arm. So we got back to my house and went inside and watched t.v. til he had to leave. He had to get gas because he's driving the car pool in the morning. But I'm still sad.. worried not about whether we will make it as a couple.. it's more worries of the unknown. My heart hurts and I don't know why.. doubts and isecurites.
I wish to goodness my ex boyfriend had not told me to do sit ups, and to lose weight. He was a scum bag and I know it. But... now that the thought is there I can't shake it.. Do i forget to eat because I actually forget.. or do I forget to eat and subconsiously know it because I'm worried about it? I'm not fat.. but i wish my body shape was different. When I see photos that were taken of me I look so much different than when I look in the mirror. I am NOT an anorexic so you guys don't flip out or anything when you're reading this. Just idle thoughts that are coming out at 12 am. And the fact that my mother made a comment about it last weekend... I need to just go to bed. Im going to do that now, and try to sleep.


  • At 2:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I love you, Becca! I don't know much else to say. Ignore your parents. I mean, yeah, respect them and all... and listen... but ignore. They know a lot because they're your parents, but they don't know how you feel or what really goes on. Don't let it get to you. As far as being able to date people... I mean, the fake engagement ring isn't keeping you from that. Your feelings for Mike are. You can't choose who you love, and I agree -- you definitely don't need to get rid of this one. He's a great guy. That one touch that instantly calms you definitely shows that he's special... that what you guys have is special.
    (And I said that I didn't know much else to say..)
    - Dee


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