Hmm, where to start?

The past few weeks have felt very much an emotional roller coaster. I've felt very unstable lately, and not bad unstable... just off my norm. I took a friend to the worship party out at Jamie's, then she needed to get back to the dorm.. and I couldn't find my keys. I know, that's not very abnormal for me, because I lose everything. But I don't seem to have recovered from that momentary panic. I've felt that each day I'm desperately searching for something that someone's hiding for me. Or I feel kind of like a mother hen who is trying to gather all her baby chicks that are running around like balls inside a pinball machine. It's a kind of desperate frustration with life.

Is it because I feel life is moving on without me? Do you realize how many people have become engaged in the last two weeks? Cody G., Robert A., DJ Johnny, Jamie E., and not to mention the fact that Liz is getting married in June. And I still had no clue about how the pharmacy school deal was going to work out. My parents came down this weekend and it felt very odd. Maybe anything to do with my dad places me off kilter because I worry about trying to impress/please him. I know he's proud of me, but that doesn't prevent me from trying to do what he wants.

So, I finally called Mr. Charles Perry (he's on the Pharamcy Application Board or something.) To discover my chances. Why have I been avoiding calling him? Is it because I feared what he had to say? If I continued to put it off I wouldn't receive any bad news. But the letters were to go out the 15th anyways so I finally mustered my strength and called him.

Biiiig breath of relief. It wasn't bad news nessecarily. 25 people were given defer notices. They then labeled those people with High, Medium, and Low priority. He told me that my resume was very impressive and that I had a good interview and that I was labeled as a High priority alternate. My heart started beating pretty fast.. Remember your 129 pulse rate Ashley? hah. Then he proceeded to tell me about the $500 dollar deposit they required this year, and they were not expecting many people to drop out after accepting. And also that they had "overbooked" on applicants anyways. They accepted 135 people. He said they would have to receive 6 or 7 declines before they would start on the alternate list. So the quick (and not to accurate probably) math on my part says that at least 10 people need to change their minds.

Regardless, the conversation left me feeling much more secure in my desicion for my life. He said if I didn't get in this year, with an early application to next year I would be fine. So, school is pretty set, I have a trailer (which i need to concentrate on decorating >_<), and I'll probably re-do my whole schedule.

I also went to hear Nasser speak last night. He spoke on not taking the counsel of the wicked (Psalms 1:1). It was a very good message. He opened my eyes too to a few things. Can you say a scripture for every year of your salvation? I can say 14 or more scriptures (complete with reference) but not all of them are really "important". I've been saved 10 years (or 9.. I can remember the day March 25th, but not the year. Wierd.) So even though I remained standing I felt ashamed of what little I knew. The worship leader, Jason Morant was ok too. He has a long way to go before he will be considered a professional, but he has a lot of potential.

Why all of the sudden does everyone tell me that I have a nice voice? Is it because I'm starting to use it again? Or does God simply know that I need encouragement on something to take my mind off of other things? It just seems lately I've had tons of comments/compliments on my voice. Well, partly it's because I've started singing with XA and I know that. But last night I had two compliements from people I'd never really met. Shoot, I wasn't even paying attention to any of that anyways because I was just pouring myself out to the Lord.

I washed and blowdried my hair yesterday. Me and Blaire went to cambridge and studied.. But I believe she studied more than me. Heh. I say it's because I don't actually have a test coming up and she does. But I know if I don't start studying now.. Especially with my plans to go home for my birthday. Wow, I can't wait! I'm gonna surprise Mike because I've not told him yet. Heh, My dad doesn't know either because he wouldn't approve.. but I want to go home so bad! I'm gonna be 21. It's just not right. We'll see if I cry on this birthday. I have on my last 5. 5 years! How ridiculous is that? I hate getting older. My birthdays just never seem to be any good. Heh, oh well.

Ok, I'm going to go vaccum the house now. Reclaim a modicum of normalacy. Wow, check out the fancy words in that sentence!