This is my lil corner of the internet to be filled as I please -- sorry if I offend.

Monday, January 31, 2005

So... What happened in Spaz's life this weekend?

Yeah, same 'ole basic failure fears. Applications for pharmacy school and what-not. Talk about major freak out. I believe I cried from about 12 until 4 on Saturday. I just wanted to go home, and my parents wouldn't let me. So I was mad at them for it.. even knowing full well they were right.

Time for me to examine myself, no?
So currently I still feel pretty loser-y. I have no acceptance for myself, and I feel pretty worthless. Why is that? I've never been able to fully accept myself for everything I am. Even when I was smaller.. I believe that was why I got so much into books/video games. As a half-out way to become someone else, and not be me. Isn't it a bad sign when you annoy yourself? I think that's why I'm so gung-ho on being home. At home I don't have to be me. Let's see if I can explain that statement..

Here in Auburn, Becca has to be on her own. Becca has to actually step up and step out and do things. At home, Becca's mommy and daddy take care of things. Well, most things. And they still take care of a vast majority of things. Growing up scares me. That's another random thing most people don't know about Becca. Ever since I was 4 or 5, I've had this unfounded belief that I am going to die before I hit 30. In a massive Plane crash, or a crazy car wreck, or walking through the woods and a tree falls on my head. Unfounded, and irrational; but it is there none-the-less. It's to the point where when I look at my life now I think that It's 2/3rds gone. And death doesn't frighten me, just makes me a lil sad that I'll miss out on some great people or things happening.

So, why can't I accept myself? Why do I feel un-worthy? It surely doesn't come from God. It's a multitude of small things I think.. dating back to kindergarten days. Hah, I'm going to try to psychoanalyze myself, ready for a journey?

Kindergarten. I played with the boys, because quite frankly girls scare me. (They still do. hah!) I grew up with boys, and the first time I ever met any other girls -- besides my best friend Denise -- was in Kindergarten. Quite frankly I didn't know they existed. So, I felt unsure around them and therefore unworthy to play with them. The guys only casually accepted me. I mean do boys and girls really mix at that age? But no worries, I had fun playing Ninja Turtles.

2nd -- My first B, the first of many. I even got sent to the principals office over it.. I didn't do my homework, and it gave me a B. I got sent to the principals office for not having my homework at all that week. Admittedly my fault, but my parents were disappointed in me for the B, and my brother (who is older) still has and makes all A's.

3rd -- Still playing with the boys on the playground. Xmen this time.

4th -- I realize I'm a sinner and I accept Christ as my Savior. It was a hell-fire damnation sermon.

5th -7th -- Perhaps because I was still very tom-boyish or whatnot, but i felt kinda outside things until prolly 7th. And I lived out aways so I didn't get to go do all the cool things such as go skating, to the mall, or hang out at peoples houses. Not important things, but to a 5th grader they are.

8th -- By now the pattern had been set. I was the wierd one, which i don't mind being - infact I vastly enjoy it - but it seemed to be more of just a casual acceptance. Parental pressure to do good in school, and not doing as well as they'd wish.

High school - Yeah, not really too much to say here.. I existed. Nothing mind blowing. I got into a relationship I never should have gotten into. I thank God that I didn't screw up too bad. Literally, he wasn't saved and constantly asked me to push my boundries and more than once begged me for sex. Yet I stayed in the relationship for almost a year? I figured no one else wanted to go out with me, and since I didn't care one way or another the relationship wasn't hurting me. Thank goodness God opened my eyes and we broke up. But not before some damage was done. I think alot of random insecurites come from him. He told me he loved me, yet in almost the same breath would say that he wished my eyes were brown, and that I should probably do sit ups and exercise a lil, and that he wished my breasts were bigger. Aww thanks sweetie.. Yeah, what a great thing to hear from your boyfriend.

So in the same breath I will say thank God for Mike who loves me as I am and gripes at me if I say I'd change something about myself. He even loves me through my insecurites and my tears.

So why the unworthiness? Why do I still feel as if I am not enough? ARGH, i hate it. And mostly because I either complain and gripe too much to the ones I love, and force them to put up with my crap, or I walk around and feel as if I should be perfect. Of Course I totally fall short of perfect, so it's a vicious cycle.

Ok, that all being said...
what a bunch of stuff... I feel broken and pathetic. Maybe this is what God is trying to do to me. Maybe this is why he won't tell me anything yet. I've never felt so rock bottom. I do not enjoy the feeling.. and because of it I have been more in my word lately.. Perhaps I should call on all of you who read this to hold me accountable for any and everything. If I start to gripe or complain or to act as if I feel unworthy, slap me in the face. Twice. I want out of this funk.

You know.. I did unwittingly pray for God to break me and to reform me into what he wants of me, and perhaps this is just part of the process... well it hurts. But I'm going to make it with his grace and his compassion and his healing and his love. And with a lil help from my friends.

Ok enough Ramble, and I apologize (wait, no I don't. Hah, working on it already ^_^;;) for all the dark and dreary. Now to bed so I can wake up for my 7 am Genetics...


  • At 2:49 PM , Blogger MyAshley said...

    My Becca,
    I LOVE YOU! I know that it's hard to go through one of God's lessons, and I don't have to tell you not to pray for something unless you really want it. Here's some happies:
    You are amazingly awesome! I love to be around you, and you know so so so much. You have an amazing ability to make people feel included and special!! And you ROCK at mafia!! (even if we don't let you play...) You are a beautiful girl too!!! ( i know mike tells you that, but i wanted you to know that i think that too) You have guts like no one i've ever met, i mean come on, you chopped all your hair off that one time.
    But just so you don't feel lonely down there at the bottom, God has been teaching me a hard lesson as well: that apart from Him i can do nothing. And i know that we here that all the time, but still in the back of my mind i think, well there are some things i can do.... But He's been showing me that i can't. And it's been real hard to see all the things that i don't know how to do and then admit them to God. I really don't know how to do anything that matters, and that makes me feel a little lost and useless. Also, He has been teaching me that He knows best... there's been so much stuff going on lately, and it's a little overwhelming. My sister and that jerk (i'm working on being nice..), the Waters' losing all three of their babies, and other things that i'm sure you'll hear about. I guess what he's really been teaching me through all that is that He is GOOD even through all the bad...even when i feel like poo about myself...
    anyways, i wasn't trying to take away from your post, but i wanted to (hopefully) make you feel a little better..


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