This is my lil corner of the internet to be filled as I please -- sorry if I offend.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

So, I wonder if Josh reads my blogs... and if he does, does he purposefully take sermons from my blogs? This is a question to ponder, as the last two have hit on just exactly with my blogs. You know, I was thinking, blogs have to be a pretty good way for him to getinto the minds of the students. He is on Xanga, afterall. It shouldn't be too hard for him to find it in that case.

Humm, the day I've had. It's Thursday, no classes. So I should be enthused on a day like today... but I haven't been. Is it simply homesickness? Or is it something deeper? Something that even I am unaware of? I think it's deeper. I think it continues to be from my previous post. Two ago, actually. The un-worthiness one. I cannot shake it.

I was reading Kelly V.M's post tonight, and I was thinking that perhaps I should do that. I should step back from the maddening crowds. There is nothing more sanctifying than God's grace. And I think that is the main kicker. Satan is using it against me. I'm unworthy of God's love and his grace. I know that is the point. We are unworthy, but he loves us just that much. It's just something I don't understand. I have no problem loving others, but when it comes to myself, I want to prove that I am worth loving. I don't want to just accept it. And I want to be that tying bond. I want to be the one that everyone can go to for acceptance and love. I want to be the one you can go to at any time of day/night/early morning for a shoulder, a friend, or even a meal. It's not so much an acceptance thing.. ARGH, i get frustrated because I cannot express myself fully in words.

I've been reading my Bible, studying up, and reading some in Exodus and some in Matthew. Ever notice how exact God was in all of his directions in the old testament? So, why can't God just speak directly into my life, tell me exact measurements, exact dates, and give me precise instructions? It's something I've been thinking about alot lately. Consider it a smelting process. Lots and lots of excess heat is applied.. crap gets scraped off the top.. only to go through lots and lots more of excess heat until the who thing is pure. Pure and molten. Molten in it's ability to move and flow with all circumstances.. but throw something unpure in there and it gets evaporated.

Ok.. enough of that. Onto a positive note. Talked to Charolette about the trip this weekend. We're going to an assisted living place to minister and love on people, and their two requests were:
Number 1 -Can you sing some hymns?
Number 2 -Do you know how to play Rook?

Ok, how much of God is that!? I've missed Rook, no one in XA knows about it (cept Yosh, but he wouldn't play cause we didn't have a fourth and he didnt want to teach anyone..) and so it must be God's way of saying, "Hey, yo! Go on this trip!"

Wow, Spastic, and very stream of consiousness.


  • At 1:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Wow, isn't it great how God throws something in front of you that's so obvious like that. Can Becca sing? Can Becca play Rook? Uh, hello. That's so awesome. Sorry I'm just now posting a comment... I check xanga all the time, but always forget you're not on xanga, heh.
    I think everyone gets to a point of feeling unworthy, and if you ever meet anyone who says they haven't they're either lying, in denial, or very close to the point of feeling it and being in the boat with ya.
    I love you Becca!
    ~ Dee


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home