This is my lil corner of the internet to be filled as I please -- sorry if I offend.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

You are Fighter! You are characterized by using
your brute strength and endurance to achieve
your goal through any means. You have good
looks, lots of HP, and a gigantic sword. What
more can you ask for?

Which FF1 Sprite Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, November 22, 2004

Home.. Where I long to be.
So why am I so sad?

I will try to type a description of tonights events, in the most un-biased way that I can.

Tonight's service at church was a fellowship dinner for Thanksgiving. Food, fellowship, friends and family. After talking with Todd, Michelle, Holly, Heather, Micah, and Ashley, it was decided that we should go to Micah's house for cards and to hang out. They quickly said Mike should come as well. I ride home with my mother, and place a phone call to Mike.
"Micah invited us out to his house tonight."
"OK, want me to come pick you up?"
"Yup! See you in a min. I love you!"

We head out to Micah's house. A few wrong turns, all of which are my fault, we arrive. Mike is slightly off-put, or frustrated, because of said wrong turns. Then the card game begins. If I am going to go hang out with my friends a card game always results. Wether it be Rook, Mau, Spades or Nurch (Nurts for my Northern friends) a card game will occur. Mike, unfortunately, hates cards. No manner of bribery will induce him to play. He sits on the couch, silent, and flips through the channels. I am torn. I love cards, it's one of the main things I miss. When I CAN play, I like to take the oppertunity. So I flitter back and forth for a bit.. but he's silent, and immovable so I focus soley on the card game. I feel guilty because I want to be with him AND I want to play cards. He sits on the couch by himself (everyone else IS playing cards) with no signal that he even realizes there are others in the room. We have to leave early because Mike needs to be in the bed, he does work tomorrow. So I tell everyone we'll leave at 9:30... though we really didn't have to leave til 10:30. I win the game (by quite a wide margin, if I do say so...) and we head out the door, Mike still not saying a word. He doesn't talk to me or to the others.
Is it silly that I was afraid to sit close to him in the truck? Perhaps the conversation with my parents earlier did not help. I wear the fake engagement ring because I want a real one. But, I won't allow him to buy me one til I'm through college. Do my parents not trust me? Do they not understand? I've gone farther than either of them ever did.. do they really think I won't finish? They claim they want me to live life and not miss out. If I find someone I want to date I should be able to. Blah blah blah, etc etc. I don't feel that I am missing out. Don't get me wrong... 5 years is a long time. And a lot can happen.. But I love Mike... I've discovered someone that I can be with constantly who doesn't annoy me. He's fun to be with, even when he is slightly grumpy. And he feels the same about me. He doesnt drink, smoke, or curse (at least not too much ^_^;;). He has good family values. He may talk bad about em because there are so many kids, but he really loves his family. He has a very good character and he is a Christian. I've dated more guys than my mom ever did. She only dated my dad. I can honestly say I've looked. There are very few decent guys left out there. I don't want to lose this one.. he's too special.

Well, he did finally put his arm around me.. I was feeling so insecure the whole truck ride.. thinkin about my parents conversation, feeling that he was pissed off and angry with me. That he didn't like my friends, that he doesnt like how I act. If he doesnt like my friends or how I act, then am I wrong, are my parents right? Most of the time Mike likes my friends.. or so I thought.. then the ideas kept rolling. Oh crap, he doesn't like my friends, or me, he's just biding his time. I was huddled in a ball in the middle of his truck; I had my knees tucked to my chest and my head resting on my knees.. I was fixing to cry and I think he sensed it. He put his arm around me. What is it about one simple touch that can instantly transfer calmness throughout my body? I swear, it was as if calmness emanated from his arm. So we got back to my house and went inside and watched t.v. til he had to leave. He had to get gas because he's driving the car pool in the morning. But I'm still sad.. worried not about whether we will make it as a couple.. it's more worries of the unknown. My heart hurts and I don't know why.. doubts and isecurites.
I wish to goodness my ex boyfriend had not told me to do sit ups, and to lose weight. He was a scum bag and I know it. But... now that the thought is there I can't shake it.. Do i forget to eat because I actually forget.. or do I forget to eat and subconsiously know it because I'm worried about it? I'm not fat.. but i wish my body shape was different. When I see photos that were taken of me I look so much different than when I look in the mirror. I am NOT an anorexic so you guys don't flip out or anything when you're reading this. Just idle thoughts that are coming out at 12 am. And the fact that my mother made a comment about it last weekend... I need to just go to bed. Im going to do that now, and try to sleep.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

It's Hump day!
... do you know where your children are?

I always like Wednesdays. Perhaps it's because I usually see people on campus on Wed. (Mondays everyone hides in their own lil Hidey-holes.. no one comes out to play ;_;) But it also has to do with the fact that cell group is tonight. WooT for cell group!

My organic chemistry test was this morning. Thank goodness that's behind me. I don't think I did too well on it.. but it no longer matters. When I got home today Ashley was sick. I ran (well drove,) to wal-mart to get her some sprite. I also typed her 10 page research paper for her. She had it all hand written, so it was no big deal. It only took me 30 min. Sometimes I amaze myself. Like, I typed one whole page without even looking at the screen. I only had two typos. Yay me!

On a sad note, I found out the class average for the Micro test i took on mon was 40/60 which is approx a 66. Not good. He hasn't decided yet wether or not he is going to scale them up. Here's hoping he does!

I still hate organic chemistry lab. only 3 more reports, and 1 problem more in lab due. Which I'm both glad and very worried about. I'm so not doing well in lab. But I will be more than exstatic when it is over. Just the fact that I will never have to worry about organic chemsitry again is reason to smile. If not for the fact that it's Wed, and the fact that T-giving is next week and we get outta school all week long!! Ya hooo!

So This last weekend, when I went home, I talked to Matt at Gamestop.. He said he'd hire me for a month.. I'm so considering applying for the job. I'll go hash it out with him this next week, and fill out an app. It'd be nice to make some extra cash, christmas is just around the corner. It'd also be nice to work there.. I mean, hello! Video games? Yes that is a job for me. Too bad I'd only be making minimum wage. Life goes on. Anyways... off to descipleship and to give Jorge my Charlie Brown videos. ^_^

Hearts Stars and Horshoes!
Yeah so I've totally been studying for Org Chem..
Tonight I went to the Festival of Shorts.. I highly recommend it to anyone who will be in the Auburn area this week, or the first week of Dec. Jonathan is in it as well, and he did wonderful!

But I still miss home. I've not yet decided which it is I miss more about home.. Do I miss home because it's home, or do I miss home because Mike is there? I'm starting to lean more to the latter reason... but it doesnt have to be true.

Ok no more talking about Home.. at least Im going to try not to.
Today I did nothing, but study. I woke up about 10ish.. i studied.. played a lil puzzle pirates, studied some more, went to class, studied in class.. heh, went to festival of shorts, came home, studied, played a lil more puz pir, studied, and now im writing this blog. Im fixing ot go to bed, so Nite loves!

Monday, November 08, 2004

It was good to get to see my best friends. Denise was down w/ MS State's v-ball team, and Mike came down to stay the weekend. Weekends with "the boy" are heavenly. It's kinda fun to play domestic. I mean, cooking dinner and the sittin on the couch, and then cleaning the kitchen. And doing laundry.. lol. Ok so he didnt do any laundry. I dunno, nice to just get to sit on the couch and not HAVE to do anything. it needs to happen more often. But... he is four hours away. Drat it all.

But in a lil less than two weeks I get to go home and be with him for a whole week! Only.. he'll be working. But when he's not.. I'll be there.

Heh, friends.. I'll be there for you... get it?

llama llama llama.. duck.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

How to make a Rebecca

1 part competetiveness

5 parts silliness

1 part empathy
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add sadness to taste! Do not overindulge!