Denise is so smart, I'm stupid.
I wasn't home last weekend! It was the weekend before!

... no wonder i wanna go home...

So I sit here, 1 in the morning, all packed up for spring retreat. Excited, pumped, nervous... and sad.
And you say, "Wait a minute! Did I read that right? Sad? How can that go in that sentence?"
Sad because I will not be going home this weekend... and again you say "But Becca! You went home last weekend."
To which I will respond: "Your point..?"

What is it about home that draws me? Lord knows there is nothing to do there. Mother and I were talking the other day, about how there is "nothing" to do in Auburn. But if you compare the two cities.. Auburn has waaay more potential. And I would rather be in Leighton. I haven't ever really been a busy body. I'd much rather sit at home with a good book, or a good friend either in my lap (Joker) or beside me (Mike ^_^.) Mother says that when we get the trailer this next year Joker will be sent down with me. I think it'll be nice to have a warm fuzzy body to sleep with.. he keeps me less lonely. Not that i'm terribly lonely, God has blessed me with more friends down here than I ever had at home. I do not lack in that area. But when it's 1 am and I'm staring at the ceiling, I feel kinda lonely and forgotten. I really do miss my kitty.

But... Panama City! Whoo hoo. (Note, there is only slight sarcasm here, and all the sarcasm relates to the fact that in reality I hate the beach.) I'm excited about the retreat for a number of reasons: To hang out with and get to know the people I've met in XA, Singing with the praise band, and most importantly growing with God! Lately I've worried so about others, that I've ignored my ownself and needs. Here's to righting that wrong! Spring retreat, here I come! (Hmm, that almost rhymed...)

Thursdays. Sleeping til 11. Oh the joy! Today is also my cleaning day, and since Ash's mom and g-mother are coming i feel the urge to scrub... But she said I shouldn't because they would do it for us. Oh the indecisiveness.
Typing my immunology notes is good studyage for me, and honestly once I start typing I have no problem continuing, it's getting started that gives me problems. How sad is that?
Man I like hot showers, yummy yummy! And speaking of yummy, the fellowship dinner is tonight. Wonder if Sage will actually come? She said she'd feel bad...
I like to dance when I'm alone. I hate to say it, but a very Cameron Diaz dance scene from Charlie's Angels. Including the cute undies. Yes, I like to show other girls my cute undies, am I (well, besides Denise who also shows me her cute undies..) the only girl that does this?
Im excited for Spring Retreat, I'll get to actually meet other people in XA, and get to know some of the ones I know better. Not to mention the fact that I'll be getting some great God time.
I should pack today, good thing I have my bag still from going to gatlinburg. What do I need to pack? Eeeee, I'm not sure.

Ok, enough mindless ramblings, I go to pack and to clean.

p.s. Hi Aunt Debbie! Momma said she sent you my site. Yes, there are lots of typos, yes there is bad grammer... Sorry ^_^;;

So I skipped my classes this morning. First time this semester I've done such an animal. I only skipped once last semester so hopefully that's it for this one too. None of my professors check role anyways, and I'm still going to immunology and my A&P lab. I just honestly was not looking foward to a whole day of school.

Not to mention the fact that my whole body is sore. Why, you ask? Because I went horseback riding yesterday, and it was mega mega fun awesome! I'd forgotten how much fun it is to let your horse run, as you clutch with your legs to keep from falling off. Not only that, but I went to church with Cynthia on Sunday. I liked the sunday school, it's something I had missed, but I don't think First Baptist Opelika is for me.. perhaps it was jsut the church service because I didn't go to the contemporary college service. Anyways, in sunday school we talked about being still before the lord. To go off to a quiet place, to escape civilization. And that was what i was thinking the whole time we were riding off on the horses. We rode back on these trails in Loachapolka (sp?) and thre was nothign adn no one back there. We stopped at a waterfall and it was most beautimous. God's a pretty good artist I must say. The only downside to the whole day is that my back, legs, and especially butt are not thanking me this morning. Hmm, I could have someone massage them.. heh heh heh.

So Jamie asked me if I would sing with teh praise band during Spring Retreat. And It made me happy. So yeah, I am a typical girl sometimes. But when I was thinking on it later, I think it's just God's way of giving me some of my heart's desires. I love to just sing to God, and worship him. And I've been really working on our relationship this year. And there have been some really steep hills in it. So, I'd like to look at this as his way of rewarding me. Heh.

Man my butt hurts. O.o

John: I've toyed with the thought of starting my own secondary religion
Me: what?
John: hear me out
Me: is that.. possible?
John: in order for a religion to be state recognised, it must have docterinsand a plan of redemption or salvation and afterlife of some sort
John: so, my religion's only doctorin would be that our salvation rested on the abolishment of the ACLU
John: we'd be a minority group and therefore the ACLU must cater to us it should be retroactive
John: the ACLU would be consumed by their own policies
Me: ..
John: so what do you think?
Me: oh the circular logic
John: they exist to cater to the minority religions and what is offensive to them
John: like for instance. They are forcing the County of Los Angeles to spend millions of dollars to remove a tiny cross from the county seal because it is offensive to one muslim
John: the cross isn't even representative of Christianity, but rather the California mission era
Me: amazing the stupidity of the world
John: so, I think followers of my religion will call themselves Pirates X
Me: sweet
John: I can be like the Pope only I'll spell it backwards
John: I'll be the Epop
John: and instead of cardinals, I'll have Senior Officers
Me: like ME!
John: aye
John: and instead of churches, I'd have crews
John: you can be an SO
Me: and we'd say argh
John: aye
John: and instead of call each other "brother" and "sister" we could call each other "mates"
John: I think I'll keep the idea of having doughnuts durring fellowship though
Me: nice
Me: lol
John: we could all go and pillage a doughnut store and our holy day will be mondays because no one likes going to work on Mondays
John: so then we could all take mondays off to pillage and picket the ACLU
Me: but then they'd make me work on Sunday
John: hrm
John: naw, you could be bi-religious
John: I mean, its politically correct these days to be bi-anything
Me: rofl
Me: i mean wow. can i blog about your second religion?
John: sure
John: lol
Me: i think i know some people who'd get a kick out of it
John: go for it
John: just one thing, if you quote me, please correct my spelling...

So Arrrr me maties, who be with us?!

(And sorry John, didn't feel like correctin the spelling. You understand.)

It's been a long time since I've had math, but i vaugely remember proofs from geometry. That being said, here is my attempt at a proof to prove tests are from Satan.

Satan is evil, and attempts to sepearte us from God.
Tests are evil, and require time to study for them.
The time that tests take for studying ran into me not being able to go to cell or to TFD tonight (at least not for the whole time.)
Studying for tests also makes me entirely too tired, and I almost forgot to read my Bible because of all the test studiage going on.
Satan wants me to miss cell and TFD and he wants me to forget to read my Bible.
Therefore, tests are Satan.

... I swear it makes sense at 2 am.

I wanna be a saltine cracker.

3 points:

- Point 1: Crackers are versatile! You can eat them with soups, salads, with garnish or by themselves. This would mean that I could intermingle with anyone and everyone. I could get along with all, and they get along with me.

- Point 2: Crackers are addictive. I mean it! Can you eat just ONE cracker? I know I sure can't. They be good stuff.

- Point 3: Crackers make you thirsty. So, if I'm around any and everyone, and they continue to stay around me because I'm addictive, then I want them to become Thirsty for God because of me. I wanna be the salt, yo!

So, it's not that I've been neglecting my blog, but I've been busy. And currently I should really get to cleaning my room. However, I thought you all might like an update on my mind...

I'M GOING HOME!

Ok, so not home as in Heaven. But my "Heaven" on Earth. And I have four tests next week, so I question the sanity of my own actions.

So Josh brought forth another good sermon tonight, one that spoke to me yet again. Destiny, the calling on my life. If anyone would like to speak Prophecy into my life and give me a clue as to what and where I need to be going/doing I'd love to have it. Unfortunately I get the feeling it will still just be a time of preparedness for me. I feel tightly pulled as it is. I'm trying to just take it a day at a time. I've never really been an overexuberantly emotional person, and if something is bugging me I was always the one to hide it, and to keep it to myself. I never want to tell people my thoughts. And since I've come to Auburn it's been what I would term an "emotional rollercoaster." Only... I haven't done as much coasting. Coasting signifies smoothness. It's NOT smooth.

Denise is following her calling, by starting a small group Bible study for the Volleyball team at Miss State. She's more than freaking out. She's never felt herself a leader or capable of being in the spotlight. Amazing how God calls the unqualified. In our weakness he is made strong. He used Gideon.. who was hiding in a closet! So now I ask for a few things, Prayer for her wisdom in leading the study, and for courage to do it. I'm just giddy for her because I know what she is doing is right.. so why can't I figure my own stuff out?

I wrote down all the prophecies that had been spoken over me since my salvation. The first was on the day of my salvation. The evangelist said that I would one day sing the songs of Zion. And I do love to sing. Sean Smith spoke over me some, I had asked him simply for prayer that I felt he had a word for me. Not nessecarily my calling... though I'd have loved to hear it. He said a few things. He said that I was a protected and loved one of Jesus. He called me Mary, the one who sits at the feet of Jesus. He also said something about me being an intercessor with prayer, and the last was missions. He said the word popped in his head, he didn't know why or what it meant. And lastly, at the end of my discipleship class I had three lovely people from XA praying over me. Sarah, Kelly and Brian. Brian spoke over me that I was a lover of the unlovable, a discipler and that I had a boldness of self. Kelly was sensing that I had a spiritual push from God (which I am totally feeling), that there was an equal push from my surroundings (which is also occuring..), and that God had placed his protection around me. Sarah called me a connector, and also she saw a mobile barrier of protection. That where ever I went, there was my comfort zone.

Hmm, it is good to go back and review these things. I'm glad that i had written them down as they happened because I would have quickly forgotten things people had said. Specifically Kelly's prophecy of the spiritual push from God.

Well guys, only one last thing, just saftey as I drive home. Since it's already midnight and I haven't done ANY cleaning.. I won't get too much sleep tonight. Here's hoping I don't fall asleep behind the wheel!

So, one of the speakers said something that made me think Sun night. Well, they all made me think, but this one has stuck with me for some time. Our nation's main problem is we won't admit to our sins.

I think about it, the people who seem to be happiest understand and know their screw ups and their mistakes. While I know i'm a screw up and I make mistakes, I don't think I actually take the time to confess them fully to God.

I am a slacker. Yup, I am. Big time. I still have not started studying for A&P2.

I am a gossip. Perhaps not in the sense that I spread things that aren't true, but when things bother me I tend to blab on and on about it to people not intimate in the situation. I say that I'm venting frustrations.. but I should vent somewhere else.

I do not study my Bible. This is a big one I have been working on this year. I was always the "good kid" in youth. And during Bible trivia everyone wanted me on their team. But if I stop to think about it, I never really did as well as I should. I didn't read my Bible like I should. I'm working on it. I'm working on my relationship with God, which brings me to my next...

I worship my relationship. This is a large one that God is showing me lately. Yes, it is a good thing to love your boyfriend, but to place your happiness in getting to see said person? As a friend told me the other night, "God gave us feelings, so we should use them." So yes, it's good to be sad, but to steep to the level that I have, is not healthy.

And another big one, Hubris. My whole life I've been something. The wierd one, the tom boy, the singer, the "smart" one, the card shark, the game goddess, the good one, the "christian". I was those things. I had pride about who and what I am. Pride can go too far, and then it becomes Hubris. I am NOT better than anyone else. The cross makes us all at a level playing field. My lie crucified Jesus just as much as Charles Manson's murders, or even an adulterer's abortion. I am no greater, I am no worse. Only in the eyes of the world.

So, I wonder if Josh reads my blogs... and if he does, does he purposefully take sermons from my blogs? This is a question to ponder, as the last two have hit on just exactly with my blogs. You know, I was thinking, blogs have to be a pretty good way for him to getinto the minds of the students. He is on Xanga, afterall. It shouldn't be too hard for him to find it in that case.

Humm, the day I've had. It's Thursday, no classes. So I should be enthused on a day like today... but I haven't been. Is it simply homesickness? Or is it something deeper? Something that even I am unaware of? I think it's deeper. I think it continues to be from my previous post. Two ago, actually. The un-worthiness one. I cannot shake it.

I was reading Kelly V.M's post tonight, and I was thinking that perhaps I should do that. I should step back from the maddening crowds. There is nothing more sanctifying than God's grace. And I think that is the main kicker. Satan is using it against me. I'm unworthy of God's love and his grace. I know that is the point. We are unworthy, but he loves us just that much. It's just something I don't understand. I have no problem loving others, but when it comes to myself, I want to prove that I am worth loving. I don't want to just accept it. And I want to be that tying bond. I want to be the one that everyone can go to for acceptance and love. I want to be the one you can go to at any time of day/night/early morning for a shoulder, a friend, or even a meal. It's not so much an acceptance thing.. ARGH, i get frustrated because I cannot express myself fully in words.

I've been reading my Bible, studying up, and reading some in Exodus and some in Matthew. Ever notice how exact God was in all of his directions in the old testament? So, why can't God just speak directly into my life, tell me exact measurements, exact dates, and give me precise instructions? It's something I've been thinking about alot lately. Consider it a smelting process. Lots and lots of excess heat is applied.. crap gets scraped off the top.. only to go through lots and lots more of excess heat until the who thing is pure. Pure and molten. Molten in it's ability to move and flow with all circumstances.. but throw something unpure in there and it gets evaporated.

Ok.. enough of that. Onto a positive note. Talked to Charolette about the trip this weekend. We're going to an assisted living place to minister and love on people, and their two requests were:
Number 1 -Can you sing some hymns?
Number 2 -Do you know how to play Rook?

Ok, how much of God is that!? I've missed Rook, no one in XA knows about it (cept Yosh, but he wouldn't play cause we didn't have a fourth and he didnt want to teach anyone..) and so it must be God's way of saying, "Hey, yo! Go on this trip!"

Wow, Spastic, and very stream of consiousness.

Amazing how someone you haven't met face-to-face, and only talk to over the internet can still tell when you're bugged. I'd like to thank said person for thoughts and prayers, and everyone else as well.

As I keep saying, I'm making it one day at a time. Perhaps it's best not to try to look too far into the future. Carpe Diem and whatnot. We'll see how long it lasts, shall we?

As I was telling a good friend today as she was inquiring as to why I spazzed...
"I've placed my acceptance into pharmacy school in God's hands about 3 times. Unfortunately I've taken it back 5."

Today was a nice leisurely laid back day. I can only hope tomorrow is the same. I understand I have classes.. but it can still be a nice laid back day. And mother got my checking account situation straightened back out. Yay for mommies! And today I did laundry.
*Weirdness alert*
I love the smell of laundry detergent. Specifically gain, though Tide smells nice too. Can you get high off of detergent? This is something I should research.