So... What happened in Spaz's life this weekend?

Yeah, same 'ole basic failure fears. Applications for pharmacy school and what-not. Talk about major freak out. I believe I cried from about 12 until 4 on Saturday. I just wanted to go home, and my parents wouldn't let me. So I was mad at them for it.. even knowing full well they were right.

Time for me to examine myself, no?
So currently I still feel pretty loser-y. I have no acceptance for myself, and I feel pretty worthless. Why is that? I've never been able to fully accept myself for everything I am. Even when I was smaller.. I believe that was why I got so much into books/video games. As a half-out way to become someone else, and not be me. Isn't it a bad sign when you annoy yourself? I think that's why I'm so gung-ho on being home. At home I don't have to be me. Let's see if I can explain that statement..

Here in Auburn, Becca has to be on her own. Becca has to actually step up and step out and do things. At home, Becca's mommy and daddy take care of things. Well, most things. And they still take care of a vast majority of things. Growing up scares me. That's another random thing most people don't know about Becca. Ever since I was 4 or 5, I've had this unfounded belief that I am going to die before I hit 30. In a massive Plane crash, or a crazy car wreck, or walking through the woods and a tree falls on my head. Unfounded, and irrational; but it is there none-the-less. It's to the point where when I look at my life now I think that It's 2/3rds gone. And death doesn't frighten me, just makes me a lil sad that I'll miss out on some great people or things happening.

So, why can't I accept myself? Why do I feel un-worthy? It surely doesn't come from God. It's a multitude of small things I think.. dating back to kindergarten days. Hah, I'm going to try to psychoanalyze myself, ready for a journey?

Kindergarten. I played with the boys, because quite frankly girls scare me. (They still do. hah!) I grew up with boys, and the first time I ever met any other girls -- besides my best friend Denise -- was in Kindergarten. Quite frankly I didn't know they existed. So, I felt unsure around them and therefore unworthy to play with them. The guys only casually accepted me. I mean do boys and girls really mix at that age? But no worries, I had fun playing Ninja Turtles.

2nd -- My first B, the first of many. I even got sent to the principals office over it.. I didn't do my homework, and it gave me a B. I got sent to the principals office for not having my homework at all that week. Admittedly my fault, but my parents were disappointed in me for the B, and my brother (who is older) still has and makes all A's.

3rd -- Still playing with the boys on the playground. Xmen this time.

4th -- I realize I'm a sinner and I accept Christ as my Savior. It was a hell-fire damnation sermon.

5th -7th -- Perhaps because I was still very tom-boyish or whatnot, but i felt kinda outside things until prolly 7th. And I lived out aways so I didn't get to go do all the cool things such as go skating, to the mall, or hang out at peoples houses. Not important things, but to a 5th grader they are.

8th -- By now the pattern had been set. I was the wierd one, which i don't mind being - infact I vastly enjoy it - but it seemed to be more of just a casual acceptance. Parental pressure to do good in school, and not doing as well as they'd wish.

High school - Yeah, not really too much to say here.. I existed. Nothing mind blowing. I got into a relationship I never should have gotten into. I thank God that I didn't screw up too bad. Literally, he wasn't saved and constantly asked me to push my boundries and more than once begged me for sex. Yet I stayed in the relationship for almost a year? I figured no one else wanted to go out with me, and since I didn't care one way or another the relationship wasn't hurting me. Thank goodness God opened my eyes and we broke up. But not before some damage was done. I think alot of random insecurites come from him. He told me he loved me, yet in almost the same breath would say that he wished my eyes were brown, and that I should probably do sit ups and exercise a lil, and that he wished my breasts were bigger. Aww thanks sweetie.. Yeah, what a great thing to hear from your boyfriend.

So in the same breath I will say thank God for Mike who loves me as I am and gripes at me if I say I'd change something about myself. He even loves me through my insecurites and my tears.

So why the unworthiness? Why do I still feel as if I am not enough? ARGH, i hate it. And mostly because I either complain and gripe too much to the ones I love, and force them to put up with my crap, or I walk around and feel as if I should be perfect. Of Course I totally fall short of perfect, so it's a vicious cycle.

Ok, that all being said...
what a bunch of stuff... I feel broken and pathetic. Maybe this is what God is trying to do to me. Maybe this is why he won't tell me anything yet. I've never felt so rock bottom. I do not enjoy the feeling.. and because of it I have been more in my word lately.. Perhaps I should call on all of you who read this to hold me accountable for any and everything. If I start to gripe or complain or to act as if I feel unworthy, slap me in the face. Twice. I want out of this funk.

You know.. I did unwittingly pray for God to break me and to reform me into what he wants of me, and perhaps this is just part of the process... well it hurts. But I'm going to make it with his grace and his compassion and his healing and his love. And with a lil help from my friends.

Ok enough Ramble, and I apologize (wait, no I don't. Hah, working on it already ^_^;;) for all the dark and dreary. Now to bed so I can wake up for my 7 am Genetics...

... I wanna give up. Let me just go home.

I'm going to bed.

Thank you God for another wonderful day!

I'm 20. Or so I keep telling myself. So is it ok to bawl like a 3 year old when my parents leave? Deep inside I know it is, but my brain tells me to grow up. Well, a certain rude gesture to my brain, I'mma do what I want!

So last night in cell we did Spiritual gifts. My top scorers were Faith and Helps. Had to look up the definition for Helps. It is: "Helps enables one to assist people in routine ways that are supernaturally enhanced by the anointing of the Holy Spirit. The helped person has the impression that they have been touched by God." Leadership, knowledge, wisdom and pastoring were all tied up there.

Faith, how important it is to me, and yet sometimes I take it for granted that not everyone has it. It is so fundamental to everything in life. Small and big alike. Faith in my friends, faith in my teachers, faith in my nose, faith in my car, not-so-much faith in my NES because it is a fickle beast, but faith in almost everything else. Most importantly faith in God. I was reading last night in Matt 16, and Jesus asked his desciples "Who do you say I am?" and Peter answered him and said "Jesus the Christ." And then Jesus said, "for flesh and blood haven't revealed this to you, but My Father in Heaven." (Excuse the paraphrase ^_^) So, Peter it was revealed to Peter from God and not Jesus... and Jesus was standing in front of him. Peter's faith in God is what opened his eyes. So God reveals things to us daily... dude how cool is that?!

So my mom was a lil freaked at the thought of me having a "web diary."
Mom - Blue, Me - Red.

"You mean, you just put stuff up there on the web for anyone and everyone to read? Personal stuff?"
"Well.. yeah."
"Well why don't I have the link? You don't want me too.."
"Sure! I'd love for you to read it."

Hee hee, I heart my parents. My mom and dad are really funny to talk to over the internet. It amuses me highly... but they always think I'm playing some game. I only play one game online and that one not so much anymore. I'm usually trying to study or somesuch and happen to be sitting at my computer desk. So I'm a lil slow in answering... and sometimes I just completely forget to answer. But it's great that they're willing to try.

So, I worked at the center tonight, and there were a couple of new trainees. One of which went to Athens High School and had Aunt Debbie for a teacher. So we chatted about that for a bit, then just kinda chillled. It was a nice relaxed environment and I didn't have to answer the phone much because of the two other volunteers! Plus, I worked on my biochem and did some of the homework problems AND got them right. Huzzah. Jamie also called me about open worship team practice. Oh I wish I coulda gone.. not so much to be on the worship team as far as how cool it would be to hang out and just sing! I kinda miss singing. I mean I sing every thur night. But I don't just stop and take time to sing sometimes. I really should.

And it seemed like my cell phone didn't stop ringing all night. It was wierd. I usually don't get that many calls. Anyways... Since I DID get up at 6 this morning I'm a lil sleepy.

However all this talk about geek quizzes, and wannabe geeks and geeks and super geeks and geek gods... I found a different quiz.. and I'm still a geek. Yay for geekiness! But it's Drama Nerd and Geekiness.

You scored as Drama nerd. Drama nerd 56% Geek 50% Loner 31% Goth 25% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 19% Ghetto gangsta 13% Stoner 13% Punk/Rebel 6% What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com

Wow, don't you love it when you go to church and the message is for you? I mean, it's always for you, but it's specifically what you are struggling with. Yeah, check last nights post for example.. the fear, the stress, the oppression if you will.

Today's sermon was on bucking Satan and oppressive spirits that cripple you. I mean, wow-o! So I personally got a lot out of this morning. And my new champion verse will be 2 Tim 1:7.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

That sound mind comment sounds great. ^_^

I officially resign from any more "Scene it" games. I figure it's good to remain undefeated. At least that's Tater's philosophy about playing me in speed. Hah. Give it up to me and Floor for rocking that game tonight. Actually the funnest part was getting to hang out with K*Fizzle, Sarah, and everyone else.

So my first experience with D&D was today. It was interesting. Definately funny. Lots of laughs, both during and then later as small things would pop up in conversations. (Green dress! Green headband!) It did help to keep me from thinking about home. I need to stop procrastinating. It's awful. Just shoot me. I'm scared. I have fears about school and not qualifying. Not being accepted. Unfounded? Josh was talking about thoughts and breaking the hold of certain trains and such. I think Satan's definately trying to use this stuff against me.

So much on my mind, and now that I've started thinking, I wish I were home so that I could stop thinking. I hate growing up and I hate responsibility. Who cares how well I handle it?

Ok, it's not that. I suppose it's mainly insecurities, and the fear of failure. I never struggled with this in high school or at home. Mediocracy was fine by me. But it's not anymore, and I don't know why. CRAP! I forgot again to call for letters of recommendation. I'll never get them to Samford on time now..

You know, I've never been a big fan of people posting song lyrics as their blog. But now I totally understand why. And with that being said, here are some song lyrics. ^_^

Take My Life
Lyrics & Music by Mac Powell
How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore,
But every time You've taken me back.
And now I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life,
When I don't have the strength,
to give it away to You Jesus.

How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the stars in the sky.
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.

I am a super geek at 47.33%.
Round Table was good tonight.
I am tired.
I miss Mike.

So, Im just sad. I can't wait to see all my friends in AU. Really, Its gonna be great to see everyone. But I've still spent the whole weekend crying at the thought that I have to leave home. It's not JUST Mike, it's Mike and my family and my church and everything. And I'm in the process of applications for Pharmacy school. Grr. Stress.

So tonight I'm leaving Mike's house, and crying. I'm on Ricks Lane, between the gas station and the Christmas Lights guy driving around the curve. I see what I think is a large dog.. But it stops IN FRONT of my car, and it's a deer. So swerve to the left, and I clip the deer with my rightside passenger front. Im crying, driving 60 mph on a curvy country road and I HIT A DEER!

God was with me, because when I got home, there was a lil blood, a lil fur and only a broken blinker. Not even a dent or scratch. You hear all these stories of people hitting deer and totalling the cars and ending up in traction. I get a broken blinker- that still blinks, the glass was just busted out. I win.

Well, bedtime. I have to get up and drive tomorrow.

So it's a few days late, and it's not technically a new year's resolution. I abhor New Year's Resolutions.
Anyways, for me and all of my friends I pray that we will experience an Isiah 6:1 year.

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filled the temple. Isiah 6:1 NKJV

And also 6:8.

Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: "Whom shall I send? and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I! send me!" Isiah 6:8 NKJV

Guys, could you imagine? A vision of God in all his glory seated on the throne? wow. I shall be back in Auburn on the 11th. Hopefully school will not bog me down too much this semester. But we'll just have to see!